Here we are at the last “Squad Goals” message in this look at the Book of Proverbs. Friends fight at times. They just do. People offend people at times and the closer you get to someone, it seems the more you will possibly offend them. This means that if you want to cultivate a good friendship that will be both beneficial to you and your friends then you need to be able to handle offenses well.

How many times have you seen friendships blow up over what seems to be the smallest thing. Sure, at times you will see people fight, come back together, fight, and come back together. But that does not lead to a healthy friendship or good communication within the friendship. If every time things get difficult the friendship blows up then you are not doing it right.

It’s been a while since I’ve really gotten into a fight with a close friend, but I do remember a few of them. But I don’t really remember what the fight was about. I just remember a few things about them and how it changed the relationship. I remember telling friends some of the worst things, but really can’t remember why. I think the reason is that, even in my mind, what actually matters is that they relationship was broken.

This isn’t just something that goes on with teens. This is something that goes on throughout a person’s life. I can’t even remember the massive number of times that friends would have big fights when I worked at the Post Office. There were about 12-15 people who would sit next to each other, sort letters into zip codes, and talk. There were groups of friends that hung out with each other, talked at work, and at times did things together after work too. There would be a fight about something they were discussing and then they were angry and not sitting by each other. And, at the time, I was working on the dock by myself. Oftentimes they would come outside and vent to me because they knew I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it and no one could hear them complaining but me out on the dock. These are people in their 40’s and 50’s who have their relationships blow up because of an argument that they had. Drama doesn’t end with High School.

In a lot of ways it is more pronounced while you are in school. I think a lot of the reason for this is the massive amounts of time that you spend with large numbers of people. After school, college included, you may not spend as much time with your friends as you do now. If I see my friends for 4-5 hours a week I feel like I’ve gotten to see them a good amount that week. I have some friends that I am close to that I only see about once every 2 months. So, there is more opportunity for arguments to happen while you are in school. So, the skills you learn here will be practiced your whole life, but probably more now than later.

We need to be people who handle offenses wisely both within our friendships and outside of our friendships. But, here is why I placed this discussion within the realm of friendship. It happens more often with those you are close to and care about and it matters more to you. If you’ve spent a lot of effort choosing the right friends to be around you then you don’t want to lose those friends. And one of the major ways we lose friends is over offenses.

Let’s begin with a word of warning.

The Result of Handling Offenses Poorly

Close friends, those that we would call our brothers and sisters hold the potential to be one of the greatest treasures in our lives. But it also holds the potential for the greatest heartache.

“A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.”—Proverbs 18:19 ESV

The really close friend that is offended doesn’t just separate from us. They actually become strong opposition to us. The close friendship that was once a tremendous blessing becomes the worst of enemies. And it does an incredible amount of damage to us.

“Underlying this thought, I believe, is God’s understanding that an intimate friendship creates vulnerability. It allows one’s intimate friend an opportunity to do the kind of damage as none other can. When that vulnerability has been exploited so as to cause real damage, the injury is not easily undone.”—Dan Phillips, Kress Biblical Resources, The Woodlands Tx, 2011, p. 180

This is a tremendous warning. It is worth the effort to have good friends around us. It is worth the effort to try and keep them. And, if you do not work to keep your friends they may very well become your worst enemy.

It reminds me of “Captain America: Civil War”. There is no one that would have been a tougher enemy for the other one than Captain America or Iron Man. Part of what made that the case was their knowledge of one another and the closeness they once shared.

Handle Offenses Wisely

Let’s face it. There will be times when your friends offend you. There are times when they are weak or you are weak and the dumbest things are said to one another. So, Solomon gives some guidelines for dealing with conflict.

First, Cover Over What You Can With Love

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”—Proverbs 10:12 ESV

This is not about ignoring the offenses of someone and bringing them back up again. This is burying them. They are dead and gone. When we don’t love someone, we will bring up offenses and at times try to fight with them. Our love for people causes us to do something different.

As a general rule we should try to deal with our friends with a lot of grace. We love them and so, knowing that they will at times say stupid things and do things that will upset you, allow your love for them to cover over the offenses. We want to allow our love for our friends to cover over the general everyday offenses that could easily cause a fight.

Husbands and wives do things that aggravate each other. I leave drawers and doors open in the house quite often. I’m a bit unorganized. I leave things out in weird ways. I sometimes drive my wife crazy but love covers over these offenses.

I don’t know what’s wrong with people sometimes. Sometimes they just want to fight. Well, the point is that love covers over offenses. It is hatred that stirs up strive. We have worked hard to get the friends that we have. And, if you have followed the path set out for you in choosing friends then  you are not going to want to get rid of them because you were offended by something that could have been worked out. Love covers all offenses.

Leave Off Fighting At The Beginning, Do Not Continue Fighting

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.”-Proverbs 17:14 ESV

The beginning of a fight is like water being let out of a dam. You could stop it if it is a small hole or crack. If that were all that was coming out of the dam it is easily remedied. It’s as if the beginning of a fight were a small hole that punctured the dam. That hole could be plugged and patched if the fighting were to end there. But if the fight goes on there are more problems. All of a sudden the letting out of a water goes from a trickle to a roar.

The point is that we should end at the beginning or “quite before the quarrel breaks out”. It is much easier to come out of a fight unharmed that way than it is to let the fight go into an all out uproar as is oftentimes the case.

Drop the Matter

You’ve likely known people who get historical in when they are mad at you. You anger them and all of a sudden they are lecturing you about everything you’ve done wrong toward them in the past 15 years. What does that do to you? How do people respond to you if you if you do that?

Here’s what Scripture says.

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”—Proverbs 17:9 ESV

It’s probably not hard to imagine a situation where you and a friend fought and then worked it out and were still friends with no problems. Then something happens and your friend starts bringing it all back up again. What happens? Well, the thing that most often happens is that the fight is going on all over again. Sometimes it gets more heated than it was in the beginning.

The two options couldn’t be more revealing. The person who has covered the offense and left it alone is seeking love and a good relationship while the person who brings the matter back up brings a separation between friends. It’s as if they just want to fight. And their desire to fight leads to a separation between the two people. When a matter is settled leave it alone. Seek love and don’t get all historical.

Be A Loyal Friend

I think that there is a rule that helps us think about all of this. That rule is to be a loyal friend.

“Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.”—Proverbs 27:10 ESV

There are two concepts at play in this passage of Scripture. First, don’t forsake your friends. You have worked hard to establish the right friends in your life. Now that you have good friends do not forsake them. Nurture this relationship and don’t abandon them.

The second concept is quite interesting. These type of close friendships are oftentimes better and more important than blood relatives. He says “better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.” It means exactly how it sounds. For many, many people the close bond of a friendship is by far better for them and more important to them than their relationship with family. This happens for a lot of people when they grow up and leave home. All of a sudden they are far closer in their relationships than they are with most or all of their own family members.

The rule that will help guide you in deciding how to treat your friends, and deciding whether or not to fight or reconcile with your friends is this. When you are deciding whether or not to bring up the past and rekindle a fight that’s long buried remember to be loyal to your friends. When you are deciding whether or not to let some wrong against you slide and cover it over with love or rip them apart by loyal to your friends. Do not forsake them, but be loyal to them.

Consider What Could Happen

Imagine friendships that look like this. They are not filled with the drama that is oftentimes in teenage friendships. Rather than having that drama, we have friendships that are absolutely fulfilling. If we think back to the last few sessions on friendship then we get a grander view of how things could be. We have friends that love us, care for us, are loyal to us, and hold us accountable to living wisely in this world. We ourselves love and care for our friends and hold them accountable to living wisely in God’s World. And now that we’ve established those relationships we fight to keep them.

To me it sounds wonderful. I hope it does to you as well.

Concluding Thoughts

 I hope that you are seeing this as massively important to your life. Now, I want you to go home and do a few things.

  1. Go home and make a list of your closest friends.
  2. Think about what we’ve discussed in the past few weeks.
    1. Have you allowed people to be close friends with you? Don’t be a loner. (Proverbs 18:1)
    2. Have you chosen the right type of people to be your friends?
      1. Christians (Proverbs 13:20)
      2. Loyal (Proverbs 14:20; 17:17; 19:4; 19:6-7)
  • Honest (Proverbs 27:5-6)
  1. Have you left those who are wrong for you out of your closest group of friends?
    1. Unbelievers (Proverbs 13:20; 14:7)
    2. The hot tempered person (Proverbs 16:29; Proverbs 19:19; Proverbs 22:24-25)
  • The Gossip (Proverbs 20:19)
  1. The Flatterer (Proverbs 27:6; Proverbs 29:5)
  2. The Disloyal Person (Proverbs 25:19)
  1. Now that you’ve chosen good friends are you being a good friend.
    1. Are you being truthful in your friendships? (Proverbs 26:28; 29:5; 27:5-6)
    2. Do you handle criticism from your friends well? (Proverbs 9:8-9; 15:12)
  • Are you handling offenses well?
    1. Covering over most offenses with love (Proverbs 10:12)
    2. Leave off fighting at the beginning (Proverbs 17:14)
    3. Dropping and leaving arguments that have past gone (Proverbs 17:9)
    4. Be a loyal friend (Proverbs 27:10)

What I’m asking you to do is some examination. Examine your life. Examine your friends and friendships and see what needs to change. Then change it. That’s called repentance.

We’ve all failed in the friendship category from time to time. If you’re here today and have never committed your life to Christ, that is what you need to do first. You need to trust in Him. We sinned against God who is the Holy Creator of all things. He made us for a relationship with Him and through our sin have destroyed that. God did not leave us in this situation. He sent His Son to pay the price for our sin. Jesus paid the price so that I could be brought back into a right relationship with God. Jesus then rose from the dead 3 days later. He conquered the power of sin and death and completely accomplished our salvation for us. We respond to this by repenting (turning from our sin) and believing in Him (trusting in Him). We have and will all fail as friends. But Christ has accomplished our redemption for us.

 

R. Dwain Minor