I was sitting in my office one day and received a phone call of someone asking for counseling for their marriage. It was my understanding from chatting with the husband for a few minutes that his wife had left him. He had no job and his wife had left him. He said she was angry all the time and had left, but he said that he wanted to make things work. He thought that he’d be able to get her to come to counseling…he was not. I’m not sure what happened with the two people because I never heard from them again. I can, however, make some guesses because of what I know of other relationships.

I have spoken to women and my wife has spoken with women who were absolutely miserable in their marriages.  Husbands who did not understand what they should have been doing in marriage are often the case. But in every one of these cases an understanding of marriage and what it is would have possibly kept these people happy. They likely would have been happy because they never would’ve gotten married. They would have thought through what the meaning of marriage is and how husband and wife are supposed to relate to one another.

It is hard to know what the divorce rate is in America. Some say they have a way of crunching the numbers and it is 32%. Others say it’s around 40%. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that the marriage rate is about 6.9 per 1,000 people while the rate of people getting divorced is 3.2 per 1,000 people which pulls it in to close to 50%. The problem with this number is that it doesn’t actually follow people around and see if they got a divorce. It just compares the number of marriages in a year to the number of divorces (). So, it isn’t really accurate. But what we know is that a lot of people get divorced on a yearly basis.

That’s a lot of people who made one of the biggest decisions of their lives and were very unhappy in it. Here’s what I want to challenge you to do. You need to understand what marriage is. Then we will spend the next few weeks discussing what type of person you need to marry.

So, here we are going to attempt to get the foundation of marriage right and thus begin our attempt at understanding what a wise relationship with the opposite sex will look like.

When Solomon talks about marriage he looks back to an event in time, the first marriage. When Jesus talked about marriage He quoted word for word things about the first marriage. When Paul later talked about marriage, he also quoted word for word things about the first marriage from Genesis. So, let’s take a look at what is the model for all other marriages. It is the marriage of Adam and Eve.

God Created Man And Woman (Genesis 1:27 & 2:21-22)

The first thing that we notice in the story of man and woman is that God created them both. Though the methods of creation are different, God created both man and woman. The first thing we see happen is that God created man.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”-Genesis 1:27 ESV

“So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”-Genesis 2:21-22 ESV

God created man. God had already created other things. In fact, He had already created the rest of the Universe. And after doing this everything was good. And then God creates man. And something very interesting happened. The first not good in all of the Creation account is the fact that man is not alone (Genesis 2:27). This will be discussed in more detail later. But suffice it to say that man was not good alone and God created woman. Adam was not happy without anyone and God created Eve.

From man God created Eve (Genesis 2:21-22). From the rib of man God created woman. He caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and from his side created Eve. A lot of different things have been said about the fact that woman was created from man, but I think that this is beyond what we are discussing here. What is important is the equality of men and women in the creation account.

God created man and woman equal. You see this quite clearly in Genesis 1:27. “God created man in his own image” and then to specify who was being discussed we read “male and female he created them”. So, when we are discussing God’s creation of humanity then we have to say two things. He created both man and woman and He created them both in His image. The thing that makes men and women unique from the rest of Creation is common for both. They have both been given the thing that makes them so special.

The differences between men and women abound. They really do. From differences in muscle mass to seeing colors differently there is no doubt from a scientific perspective that the differences in men and women abound. But one thing is certain. They have both been endowed with the spirit of God and they are both equal.

Different does not mean less. Different means different. Men and women have different strengths and different weaknesses. This means that to act like differences don’t exist is ludicrous. This also means that mistreatment of women by men behaving as if women are worth less is disgusting.

As we look ahead and think about what this means about marriage, consider this. You do not want to be with someone who thinks little of you because of your gender. He is to be avoided. Don’t go anywhere near him. The same would be true for men concerning women who think that they are by their gender better than men. Don’t go near her. No one wants to be in a relationship with a person who wants to subjugate them or believes that they are inferior. It will lead to an incredible amount of hardship and problems in the relationship because God has brings a man and a woman together in a one flesh union in marriage.

God Brought Man & Woman Together In A One Flesh Union (V. 24)

Before this moment there had been no marriages. Now, the first man and woman are brought together and two become one. This is what is meant by the one flesh union of a man and a woman. They are no longer two individuals, they now own one another. From this point forward you are one entity with your spouse. You are one flesh.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” -Genesis 2:24 ESV

Note first who initiated the first marriage. It was God. By bringing together these two people God ended man’s loneliness and made him complete. Adam had felt that something was missing and was sad. Then God brings to Him this woman Eve and the two become one. So, God initiated this first marriage and joined the two together.

Interestingly, throughout Scripture we see the result of God initiating the first marriage. He defined marriage by example in the first marriage. Every teaching on marriage in Scripture would follow this example. The people who taught about marriage later in Scripture use this as the template. Solomon definitely had this in mind when he taught about marriage. Later Jesus would directly quote from this first marriage when He discussed marriage and Paul did the same thing when  he taught about marriage. This marriage defined marriage by example. Every marriage that followed was to follow this example. This means that marriage is between one man and one woman for life. Notice what Jesus says about this passage.

“But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Mark 10:6-9 ESV

There are two things we must understand about this one flesh union. First, marriage is between one man and one woman. That is who God brought together and made one flesh. The second thing to understand about this one flesh union is that it is for life.

One thing that I have been terribly disappointed in from Christians is their desire to major on one of these while not on the other. Marriage is between one man and one woman, but it is also for life. It’s much easier to speak out against the sin on the outside than the one within and divorce is much more prevalent among Conservative Christians than homosexuality.

I was once at a small church of about 50-60. This church needed a couple of deacons but could not find anyone to do the job because the deacons had all been divorced and they believed that this was against the qualifications for being a deacon. This is from their interpretation of the biblical qualifications of being a deacon. And, their interpretation was good. This same church would cry out against the sin of homosexuality often. I was at another church where the pastor would never speak on divorce and then scream against homosexuality. Here is my point. We need to be people who uphold both of these in our marriages. Marriage is between one man and one woman for life.

You will likely be looking for a person of the opposite sex one day. But you will also be looking for someone that you will spend the rest of your life with. And the commitment that you will be making is life-long. This is an incredibly serious situation. And I’m attempting to press you into understanding just how big it is. Relationships are a serious thing. They are not to be taken lightly.

God Created Man & Woman As People Who Compliment Each Other (2:7&18-27)

Here is the truth of this situation. Man was not good alone. Imagine what was going on here. God gave Adam the task of naming animals. Passing before him was 2 cats, 2 dogs, 2 giraffes, 2 hippos, etc. And eventually he got the picture. God’s message to him was loud and clear. He needed someone. He was not good alone.

The only not good in the entirety of the creation account was that man was alone. (Genesis 2:27). Everything else was good. Yet, it wasn’t until woman was created that God said that everything was “very good”.

I love my wife and believe that she is an incredible blessing in my life. My life is so much more full now with her in it. I look back at my time before being married to her and completely understand the sadness that is oftentimes felt by people. But when I think about this I understand, in a way, the sadness felt by Adam. The two have been made one and somehow I feel it myself. I say this cautiously though.

Don’t let this feeling of loneliness make you choose someone bad. You’ll be much more miserable with the wrong person that you would be if you were lonely. The loneliest people I have ever known are not nearly as miserable as the people who married a bad spouse.

We find in Genesis 2:15 that God game man the task of working and keeping the Earth. The task is really to subdue the Earth. It is bringing it into the service of God. That task that was given to Adam is still given to us today. Adam was made an under shepherd of the Earth. So, work was a part of Creation before the Fall but it was different. Yet, it is part of what it means to be a man. At the same time he was not alone in his task.

God made woman a co-laborer with man (Genesis 2:20-22). God gave Adam a helpmate. She is a co-worker with him in life. Out of the rib of Adam came an able companion who would co-labor with him in the work of subduing the Earth.

The truth of this is glaring in my life. I can’t imagine trying to do anything that I do on my own. In fact, we just had a mail out that went to your homes. I was so unorganized that Amanda’s help was greatly appreciated. But if you thought this was all she did then you would be sorely mistaken. She does most of the work involved in caring for our children. She does most of the work involved with cleaning, laundry, feeding the family, bills and on top of that is a sounding board for nearly everything I do and works together with me on some ventures in ministry as well as doing much, much more. She has helped me in a tremendous number of ways as a person. She has helped me to grow so much in my life. And really if I were to list those things we would be here a while. And I am incredibly grateful for it.

The person who is your spouse will work together with you for the rest of your life. You will work on a whole lot of different things together. From your job, children, home, ministries at church…the list could go on and on. It really could. You will be co-laborers together. Make sure that you are with someone that you will be able to work with the rest of your life because you will be on a journey together that will require a lot of teamwork. But, even though you will hopefully do great things together, this is not the primary purpose or reason for your marriage.

God Created Marriage To Picture The Relationship Between Christ & The Church (Ephesians 5:22-33)

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. –Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV

Marriage is not primarily about my love and my happiness. It is primarily about reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church. This is the great purpose and reason for the existence of marriage. Does marriage also exist for the production of children? Yes, it does. Does it also exist for the happiness of people? It certainly seems that this is part of it from the discussion earlier about it not being good that man was alone. But, it is still true that these are not primarily. Reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church is what is primary. Ephesians 5:22-33 that we read above.

The submission of a wife to her husband is a reflection of the Church in relationship with Christ (Ephesians 5:22-24). The loving submission of a wife reflects the submission of the Church to Christ.

You are likely hearing this and thinking that it sounds incredibly weird. How is that I can say that a woman is equal to a man and then say that she is to submit to her husband. First, submission does not mean that the value is less. We don’t say that in other portions of life. We don’t say that the police officer is worth more as a person simply because he has authority over us. He has authority over us but he is not worth more than us. Submission is also found within the Trinity. God the Son and God the Holy Spirit submit to God the Father. This is what Scripture teaches, but it also teaches that the three persons of God are equal. Clearly submission does not mean that the person is valued less.

The second way that this image is shown forth is through the husband’s self, sacrificial headship of his wife (Ephesians 5:25-30). In doing this he reflects the relationship that Christ has with His Church. The husband is to live self-sacrificially for his wife. He is to love her and cherish her and care for her in a self-sacrificing manner.

My wife and I were in charge of putting together the belief statement for a church when we were in college. It was an interesting endeavor. Everything went off without a hitch until we got to this part. A woman stood up angrily in the meeting and said, “I don’t think that’s right.” My answer, “You may think this sounds bad, but if you look at it in the text, though the woman is to submit to the husband he is to be self-sacrificing even to the point of death for her.” I laughingly said, “You’ve got it easy.” Now, marriage isn’t easy for either party but this definitely flies in the face of modern marriage.

Ladies be careful here. You need to choose a husband who is going to be self-sacrificing and loving toward you. If not you’ll end up doing his bidding for the rest of your life while he plays video games and eats Cheetos. Don’t laugh, it happens. It’s awful.

But here’s the truth that marriage is to reflect. Christ came to Earth to rescue God’s people. He did this by coming to Earth and living a perfect life. He then went to the cross and died as the substitute for sinners. God poured His justice out upon Jesus, His Son, because of what we had done. He stood in my place. He stands in the place of all those who would ever believe. Then He rose from the dead three days later. God the Father put His stamp approval upon the finished work of Christ. It was done. It is finished. I am accepted completely in Christ. If we turn from trusting our selves and trust in Him we are brought into a right relationship with God. We are His. We are part of the Church that is imaged forth in marriage.

Concluding Thoughts

Consider you lives 20 years from now. This is the kind of decision you will one day be making. What will things be like for you in 20 years? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years if you make it?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment to a person of the opposite sex. Your decisions here are of great value. Mistakes here can be devastating but the joy of getting it right can be great. Yet, this is not the ultimate reality concerning marriage. Ultimately marriage is about reflecting Jesus to the on-looking world.

I guess the biggest question is this. How well will you be reflecting Christ with your spouse? You want to get this right.

 

R. Dwain Minor