Relationship Goals Part 2: The Man To Be And The Man To Choose

The story of my first few years of college is quite interesting. I went to Arkansas Tech University after losing my job at the Post Office. I had recently finished my Associate’s Degree at North Arkansas College in Harrison, Arkansas.  I felt that God was calling me into the ministry and I was already leading music for my church’s youth ministry program. I had also done music for a few other things at this point as well. The most logical place for me to be educated, I felt, was music.

This is where things got interesting. I had some singing talent so the choir director agreed to give me a scholarship to be in choir after an audition but things got weird for me after this. Even though I was physically capable of singing I didn’t read music. I was a fish out of water. The first bit of time in the music department was quite crazy for me. I felt like I did not belong. I was singing in choir, earning my scholarship but struggling tremendously. This struggle continued throughout my time in class. In fact, I failed my Junior Barrier the first time I took it. I was depressed and distraught. With help from my lovely wife I was able to pass my barrier and ear training. I was not yet ready to be a Junior. I had struggled through music up to this point and had a lot of growing to do the next year when I would actually pass my barrier and eventually graduate.

There are a lot of guys out there that are not yet ready to be in a relationship. I was not really ready to be a music major. There are a lot of guys that are wandering around in a daze not yet able to do what they are supposed to do. Every guy is that way for at least a while. And some guys never become men. Some guys never get out of that daze and never become a person that a young woman should marry.

Here is a side note that will help you to understand my perspective on marriage. Scripture does not state that this is the case, but I think wisdom would lead us in this direction. Dating is at its heart an attempt to find a person to marry. I believe that since this is the case and since a lot of heartache and damage can be done if we do otherwise, then it is wise to only date when both parties are ready or nearing ready for marriage. That means that I believe that it is unwise to date people with no intention of being married. With this being the case then I believe that there are traits that we should look for in the people we are going to marry and these same traits are things we should be attempting to model in our lives.

So, for the guys this session will be a lot of what to be like. These would be things that you need to do before you are ready for marriage. Ladies, when you are ready for marriage these are the things that you would be looking for in a guy.

So, here we go.

You Should Look For A Man That Is Responsible/Guys Be Responsible

If the passage from Genesis and Ephesians 5 tell us anything it’s that being a man is about being responsible.  When Paul states that the husband is the head of the home it means that he has a world of responsibility resting on his shoulders.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.—Ephesians 5:22-30 ESV

If I had to define manhood then I would say that it means responsibility. Notice the incredible amount of responsibility mentioned here. He is the head of the home. He is supposed to lovingly care for his wife. He is supposed to sacrifice for her. He is supposed to image forth Christ to the world. This is a lot of responsibility. And I think that this pretty much sums up what being a man is supposed to be about.

I have seen time and time again that women who married boys seem to be the most miserable people in the world. That is, at least, how it seems to me. Sometimes they are incredibly angry. Other times they are just plain beaten down. But all the time these women are miserable.

Some friends of ours in Russellville had a brother who was married with a child. He worked about 10-15 hours per week and played video games most of the time while his wife worked a full time job and actually provided for the family. Then she would come home and take care of the child. She was absolutely miserable.

Another example is one of my relatives. I tell stories about their deeds often, I know. He didn’t have a job, drank all the time, and did meth. His wife was absolutely miserable. She left him on a number of occasions and I think she has left for good.

One time we counseled a couple on their finances. The man was married with two teenage children. His wife left him once and was miserable when she came back. He played games on his computer all day. He did not have a job. She stayed with him and remained miserable.

What is my point? Why would I discuss these examples? Here is the reason. When guys aren’t responsible, when they remain boys forever they do a lot of damage. They tend to ruin the lives of everyone around them.

Guys, be responsible. Cultivate responsibility. You can do that now while the pressure is off and you’ll do it well when you’re married and the pressure is on. Be responsible for the tings that you’re supposed to be responsible for. Some examples are chores, homework, a job that you may have your animal. I know that the list isn’t comprehensive, but it makes the point. Begin being responsible now so that you can do it well later.

Ladies, it’s simple. If he is not responsible tell him to grow up and then get out of there. You don’t want to be in a relationship with an irresponsible man. It is completely and totally miserable. And, if your submission to your husband images forth the relationship that the Church has to Christ and you want to do that well…I hope you want to do that well…then choose a man who is going to help you out in this. Choose a man who is going to be easy to submit to because he takes upon himself the responsibilities that he should take upon himself.

Last week we looked at the last part of this passage. It says,

31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”—Ephesians 5:31-33 ESV

Men are to be a reflection of Christ in this relationship and the more you shoulder responsibility the more you will do so.

Christ came to Earth and shouldered the responsibility of the salvation of God’s people. He came to Earth and lived a perfect life so He could take upon Himself the responsibility of being righteous on behalf of God’s people. Christ died on the cross so that He could shoulder the responsibility of paying for the sins of God’s people. This is what manhood is all about. It’s about responsibility. And the more we become responsible people the more we will reflect Christ to the onlooking world.

Another way to do that is to be wise.

You Should Be Wise/Look For A Wise Man

This encompasses all of the previous sessions that we’ve discussed. If they should not be your friend then they should not be your spouse. You want to choose someone who is wise. Here is a list for you to look at. You can also go back over the previous sessions on the Book of Proverbs.

• Has “The Fear of God”—is a believer.—there is discussion of this elsewhere in Scripture as well.

 

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” – 2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV

• Works to find wisdom—is not content being foolish but rather is attempting to follow God and His ways.
• Submits to God and His Word.
• Chooses wise friends—avoid the guy who is friends with the people you are trying to avoid.
• Takes Counsel
• He Handles Conflict Well—not prone to anger and handles conflict well
• Has a good work ethic—remember, lazy people are foolish and selfish—he needs to have what it takes to take responsibility for things…like himself and other people.
• Has a good relationship with his family—we discussed wisdom in family, if he treats his family poorly then he’s likely to treat his next family poorly.

I know it seems strange to have a list of so many things but you want to choose a wise person to be your spouse. Guys, you need to work on yourself. you need to be wise. You need to be a man who can lead his family well. This will take great wisdom. Cultivate these characteristics in your life.

A Guy Who Will Show Appreciation For His Wife (Proverbs 31:28-31)

The wise woman works hard and she is to be praised for all that labor.

Her children rise up can call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. – Proverbs 31:28-31 ESV

A lot of times in the normal functioning of our home my wife does a lot of jobs that could go unnoticed. Getting the kids ready, teaching the children, cleaning the children, taking care of the home, preparing meals for us, getting the kids to a lot of appointments, and much, much more. If she had to do that without being thanked for what she’s done it would be quite rough. And sometimes I am thoughtless enough to let her hard work go unnoticed and it is shameful when I do. She is an incredible wife and has definitely earned my praise and the praise of her children.

Guys, begin by treating your mother this way. Praise her for the tremendous work that she does at home. Practice showing appreciation to your mother so that someday you will do this well for your wife. Your Mom and your future wife are both going to do tremendous things…show them appreciation.Ladies, if a guy does not notice all the things that his Mom does for him he will likely not notice all the things that you would one day do for him. Once again, tell him to grow up and leave him alone. If you are dating a guy and he seems unappreciative of you then leave. He’s not worth it.

Warning to the Ladies: Choosing a Fool Will Have Horrible Results (Proverbs 27:22)

For some reason women want to fix guys when guys are foolish. They will find a guy who is all kinds of stupid and stick with him because they want to fix them. They marry a fool in hopes to make him better. But when you marry a fool you will generally get his foolishness for the rest of his life.

“Crush a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his folly will not depart from him.”-Proverbs 27:22 ESV

My wife and I were having a discussion about this passage of Scripture on Monday Night. And she said something interesting that I think is probably the truth of this trouble that women seem to have. She said that women don’t choose a bad guy because he’s going to be a project. They choose a bad guy because there is something attractive about the bad guy. Then when they realize how bad he is and how bad he is for them they try to fix him. I suppose she meant that they try to fix him because they love him and want him to be better. But here is the truth of the matter, if you choose a bad guy then you’re not going to change him. You are going to end up with a bad guy. If you choose a bad guy then you’ll end up being miserable like the many women that I’ve mentioned tonight. You’ll end up knowing that you could’ve been happier or had a better life had you not chosen this man.

That’s a miserable place to be.

I’m asking you to use your heads. Our culture has this notion that you have to follow your heart even if it takes you to a pit and chasm of despair. I’m telling you to use your heads. Your emotions can lead you astray, but understand that God has given you His Word. In His Word God has given you a list of characteristics that would be wise to follow. Don’t ignore it.

Concluding Thoughts

We said last week, as we read about the meaning of marriage that it’s great purpose was not for your happiness but to image forth the great relationship between Christ and the Church. The wife submits to the husband and it reflects the Church. The husband lovingly leads his wife, cares for her, and sacrifices for her. Guys, you need to be the type of people that take that incredible responsibility upon your shoulders and do it. You need to work to be men who will lead their families well.

Ladies, guys shouldn’t get a free pass of any sort. If he’s not responsible, if he’s not wise, if he doesn’t appreciate you then he’s not worth your time. In fact, if he is not those things he’ll likely bring you a tremendous amount of heartache and sorrow.

Guys, if you are going to reflect Christ in this relationship then you need to do these things well. If you are going to make Him look great with your marriage then you need to be a man and not a boy. You need to be responsible, wise, and appreciate your precious wife.

 

R. Dwain Minor